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that little voice in my head is an a**hole

I haven't been as heavy as I am now (250) in almost 2 decades.  I forgot how hard it is.  Physically and mentally.  And I'm spiraling lately.  It's been so very hard.  Everything has been hard.  I've been struggling with my weight - the pure numbers - my clothes, my ability to do simple daily activities, my self loathing, my eating.  Everything.  I feel like this literally effects every single aspect of my life.  And I HATE it.  H.A.T.E.  This weekend was especially brutal on me.  I am a retired motorcycle racer and now I work for a track time organization and ride during their events.  My race suit was custom made about 15 years ago.  It still has lots of life left in it.  But it was custom made for 200 pound me and doesn't even come close to fitting 250 pound me.  So I finally caved and ordered another custom made suit.  I send in all my measurements and waited.  There were some hiccups and delays but finally my suit arrived.  I had a lot of anxiety around wearin
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Brain games. They're brutal

Today's a rest day for me - I'm tired, I'm ... fighting the metal game.  When I ran yesterday, I took a different route hoping that by taking a longer route I would run more distance without doing more laps.  One of my worst enemies with running is boredom and then my brain starts telling me that I can't do it.  I haven't figured out how to make the negative self talk stop.  Additionally, I am not running to lose weight this time.  At least that's the idea.  But I'm fighting 50 years of trying to actively lose weight.  I'm determined to love myself at every size.  But I struggle.  And yesterday, despite my best efforts, I stepped on the scale.  Which isn't the hard part.  But after 5 days of running, my brain convinced me I would have seen significant weight loss.  Which makes NO SENSE AT ALL.  Which is why I'm trying to focus on getting stronger and healthy and not on weight loss.  Because those numbers can really sabotage me getting healthy
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Introducing my family

My baby is now 7, my oldest is 25 and the middle child is 23.  They're all wonderful.  My husband and biggest cheerleader and I have been married for 10 years this summer and together for over 16.  I figured I would put a picture to the family - share how wonderful they all are!! From left to right:  Andy, Me, Louie with Louis on his shoulders, and Taylor. They are my reason for being.
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I'm starting over. Again.

Nearly 5 years later... I'm pretty sure nobody cares or reads this but...this was started for me and I'll continue for me.  It's a bunch of years later - I lost 40 pounds and then gained 70.  I'm currently sitting at 249.  And not just 249 pounds but WOEFULLY out of shape.  I joined a gym last December.  Went twice.  Need to cancel my membership, I'm paying a stupid tax every month. Then, last weekend, I was at a BBQ when a friend of mine casually said 'you should come run the Portland half marathon with us!' And apparently I was temporarily possessed by...something... and I said yes. So my running is starting up again.  (I literally just took a deep breath and let it out slowly). I have been running all week now, that sounds so much better than 3 days.  I can't even run a mile.  I can't even RUN for 1/3 of a mile.  But I started from zero before.  And I'm doing it again.  And I'm not planning on WINNING the half marathon - just not dyin
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Just a quick update...

Ironic that in my last post - which was quite awhile ago - that I mentioned that my metabolism sucked. Turns out that it's an actual medical diagnosis.  Sucky Metabolism.  Well, that's not the real term for it.  But essentially my metabolism is completely and utterly broken.  So for those of you wondering "how can she only be eating 1200 calories, working out 2+ hours a day and still not being losing copious amounts of weight???"  WELL - the answer is because my body won't let me.  It thinks I'm anorexic.  Like seriously underweight.  Which I'm seriously not.  I'm also hypoglycemic and my blood sugar plumets when I eat (like below 50) and my insulin soars.  Both of those events send signals to my brain that I'm "starving" and need to eat immediately.  So what I thought was a completely lack of self control (WHY am I hungry - I Just ate???!) was actually my body screaming at me to eat. I've learned a lot over the last year about lept
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well, THAT was dumb.

It's been hard to find time for myself lately.  Baby, job, business, teenagers, baseball, house...I seem to give them all priority over me.  I haven't found balance yet.  It's so much easier to blame everyone else.  They NEED me, right? But who's left to look out for me.  Nobody.  I mean, my family loves me but if I don't tell them I need help, they can't help me. So here I am.  I've been neglecting my working out/training.  It's an essential part of getting healthy.  My metabolism sucks.  I didn't get to 300+ pounds with an amazing metabolism.  (Chicken/Egg - did I kill it or was it already bad?).  I know that even with gastric bypass and a 1200 calorie diet, I still struggle to lose weight without copious amounts of exercise (again: was I born this way or did years of neglect teach my body this?). I signed up for an Olympic Distance triathlon a couple months ago.  And had a few events in between to keep me on track.  I did a sprint tri, a 5k, a w
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I lost my one year old!!

My just turned one year old weighs 17.5 pounds.  As of Monday, I've lost 18 pounds .  That's more than my baby!! I'm training as much as possible - Monday/Wednesday/Thursday is Master's swim team, I try to get gym workouts on those days as well. Tuesday is a long run - to and from daycare: 6.25 miles.  My next race is 8/11/12 - Lake Tye Olympic distance.  I'm a little  lot nervous.  There's a 4 hour cut off.  My goal is to finish under 3.5 hours.  But I'm still nervous.  My bike training is non-existent:  having someone watch the baby while I go ride my bike around has been a challenge.  Everything else I do I have childcare arranged but the "extra" time of riding has been difficult.  Oh well. My eating has been great.  No candy since the beginning of March, no chips/salty foods since the end of March.  It hasn't been easy.  It's getting easier though.  I can only hope that someday it will be easy. 48 days ago I weighed 214.5 pounds.  
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