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that little voice in my head is an a**hole

I haven't been as heavy as I am now (250) in almost 2 decades.  I forgot how hard it is.  Physically and mentally.  And I'm spiraling lately.  It's been so very hard.  Everything has been hard.  I've been struggling with my weight - the pure numbers - my clothes, my ability to do simple daily activities, my self loathing, my eating.  Everything.  I feel like this literally effects every single aspect of my life.  And I HATE it.  H.A.T.E. 
This weekend was especially brutal on me.  I am a retired motorcycle racer and now I work for a track time organization and ride during their events.  My race suit was custom made about 15 years ago.  It still has lots of life left in it.  But it was custom made for 200 pound me and doesn't even come close to fitting 250 pound me.  So I finally caved and ordered another custom made suit.  I send in all my measurements and waited.  There were some hiccups and delays but finally my suit arrived.  I had a lot of anxiety around wearing a bigger suit, around feeling guilty about spending the money because of my weight gain, and a growing feeling of anxiety about putting the suit on.  I'm not fond of the shape of my body right now and...well, getting anything to fit sends me into a tail spin.  I had tried it on at home, it was a struggle to get into but it fit.  Kind of.  But in the back of my head, I knew.  But I pushed those aside and focused on getting ready for the weekend. 
Weekend arrived, we rolled in Friday night in anticipation of an early Saturday meeting.  Fast forward to time to ride.  I got my suit on, walked around.  I was proud of how it looked.  But then, as I climbed on the bike, I realized there were issues.  I couldn't lift my feet up high enough to get on the foot pegs and the arms were so poorly fitting that I couldn't safely ride. 
I was devastated.  And although it was 100% the fault of the manufacturer, my inner voice blamed me.  I have a suit that fits well from 180-215 pounds.  And it fit great for 14 years.  But now I'm heavy.  And it's my fault.  Ergo...suit issues are my fault. 
Which isn't true.  I know it's not.  But I have had no patience or grace with myself.  At all.  Every time I stand up off the floor, I struggle.  My clothes don't fit.  I don't like what I see when I see my reflection.  I even had to buy new underwear because I'm too big.  And every time I encounter another struggle, I beat myself up.  All day, every day.  I'm getting tired of it.  I'm worn out.  I don't want to listen. But I don't feel strong enough to fight it.  I'm balancing on the line of just giving up.  Which is how I got over 300 pounds last time.  I'm staring that in the face right now.  And some days I don't feel strong enough to fight it.  I feel like I'm at a dead end.  And like too much work.  And some days I just want to give up.  But I also know where that leads.  So I do the bare minimum. 

I don't know where I'm going with this.  Nowhere really.  I'm just tired of all these thoughts rattling around in my head.  I'm tired of the inner "mean girl" telling me how fat I am, how incapable I am, how I should just give up. 

Meanwhile I'm tracking my food, running, trying to find the bright side.  I'm really trying.

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