Laura Gets Shit Done

I haven't been as heavy as I am now (250) in almost 2 decades.  I forgot how hard it is.  Physically and mentally.  And I'm spiraling lately.  It's been so very hard.  Everything has been hard.  I've been struggling with my weight - the pure numbers - my clothes, my ability to do simple daily activities, my self loathing, my eating.  Everything.  I feel like this literally effects every single aspect of my life.  And I HATE it.  H.A.T.E.  This weekend was especially brutal on me.  I am a retired motorcycle racer and now I work for a track time organization and ride during their events.  My race suit was custom made about 15 years ago.  It still has lots of life left in it.  But it was custom made for 200 pound me and doesn't even come close to fitting 250 pound me.  So I finally caved and ordered another custom made suit.  I send in all my measurements and waited.  There were some hiccups and dela...

Today's a rest day for me - I'm tired, I'm ... fighting the metal game.  When I ran yesterday, I took a different route hoping that by taking a longer route I would run more distance without doing more laps.  One of my worst enemies with running is boredom and then my brain starts telling me that I can't do it.  I haven't figured out how to make the negative self talk stop.  Additionally, I am not running to lose weight this time.  At least that's the idea.  But I'm fighting 50 years of trying to actively lose weight.  I'm determined to love myself at every size.  But I struggle.  And yesterday, despite my best efforts, I stepped on the scale.  Which isn't the hard part.  But after 5 days of running, my brain convinced me I would have seen significant weight loss.  Which makes NO SENSE AT ALL.  Which is why I'm trying to focus on getting stronger and healthy and not on weight loss.  Because those numbers can really...

My baby is now 7, my oldest is 25 and the middle child is 23.  They're all wonderful.  My husband and biggest cheerleader and I have been married for 10 years this summer and together for over 16.  I figured I would put a picture to the family - share how wonderful they all are!! From left to right:  Andy, Me, Louie with Louis on his shoulders, and Taylor. They are my reason for being.

Nearly 5 years later... I'm pretty sure nobody cares or reads this but...this was started for me and I'll continue for me.  It's a bunch of years later - I lost 40 pounds and then gained 70.  I'm currently sitting at 249.  And not just 249 pounds but WOEFULLY out of shape.  I joined a gym last December.  Went twice.  Need to cancel my membership, I'm paying a stupid tax every month. Then, last weekend, I was at a BBQ when a friend of mine casually said 'you should come run the Portland half marathon with us!' And apparently I was temporarily possessed by...something... and I said yes. So my running is starting up again.  (I literally just took a deep breath and let it out slowly). I have been running all week now, that sounds so much better than 3 days.  I can't even run a mile.  I can't even RUN for 1/3 of a mile.  But I started from zero before.  And I'm doing it again.  And I'm not planning on WINNING the half marathon ...

Ironic that in my last post - which was quite awhile ago - that I mentioned that my metabolism sucked. Turns out that it's an actual medical diagnosis.  Sucky Metabolism.  Well, that's not the real term for it.  But essentially my metabolism is completely and utterly broken.  So for those of you wondering "how can she only be eating 1200 calories, working out 2+ hours a day and still not being losing copious amounts of weight???"  WELL - the answer is because my body won't let me.  It thinks I'm anorexic.  Like seriously underweight.  Which I'm seriously not.  I'm also hypoglycemic and my blood sugar plumets when I eat (like below 50) and my insulin soars.  Both of those events send signals to my brain that I'm "starving" and need to eat immediately.  So what I thought was a completely lack of self control (WHY am I hungry - I Just ate???!) was actually my body screaming at me to eat. I've learned a lot over the last year about le...

It's been hard to find time for myself lately.  Baby, job, business, teenagers, baseball, house...I seem to give them all priority over me.  I haven't found balance yet.  It's so much easier to blame everyone else.  They NEED me, right? But who's left to look out for me.  Nobody.  I mean, my family loves me but if I don't tell them I need help, they can't help me. So here I am.  I've been neglecting my working out/training.  It's an essential part of getting healthy.  My metabolism sucks.  I didn't get to 300+ pounds with an amazing metabolism.  (Chicken/Egg - did I kill it or was it already bad?).  I know that even with gastric bypass and a 1200 calorie diet, I still struggle to lose weight without copious amounts of exercise (again: was I born this way or did years of neglect teach my body this?). I signed up for an Olympic Distance triathlon a couple months ago.  And had a few events in between to keep me on track. ...

My just turned one year old weighs 17.5 pounds.  As of Monday, I've lost 18 pounds .  That's more than my baby!! I'm training as much as possible - Monday/Wednesday/Thursday is Master's swim team, I try to get gym workouts on those days as well. Tuesday is a long run - to and from daycare: 6.25 miles.  My next race is 8/11/12 - Lake Tye Olympic distance.  I'm a little  lot nervous.  There's a 4 hour cut off.  My goal is to finish under 3.5 hours.  But I'm still nervous.  My bike training is non-existent:  having someone watch the baby while I go ride my bike around has been a challenge.  Everything else I do I have childcare arranged but the "extra" time of riding has been difficult.  Oh well. My eating has been great.  No candy since the beginning of March, no chips/salty foods since the end of March.  It hasn't been easy.  It's getting easier though.  I can only hope that someday it will be easy. 48 d...

Getting back into the swing of blogging - harder than it sounds!  It's so easy when things are going well but it gets harder when there are struggles to admit to.  90% of my eating is going really well.  50% of my working out is going well.  I'm working on getting both of those closer to 100%. I had a big race on Sunday ( Lake Stevens 70.3 ) but woke up feeling sick on Saturday.  Same thing Baby has had all that week.  One of us stayed home with him all week.  He's better now but I woke up Saturday with my throat on fire.  Feeling unwell is a trigger for me.  Add "taper" (no exercise before a big race) and "carbo loading" (supposedly eating to fuel for a big race - my brain needs to sort out carbo loading from binge eating). I wasn't completely out of control but I made some not so great choices.  I'm not eating candy (since March) and salty snacks/chips (since April) and I've stuck to being abstinent.  But I haven't been able t...

Baby will be one on Monday - I've been training again, finally.  I've done one tri, one 5 k and this weekend I'm on a relay team as the swimmer for a half ironman.  My weight has gone from 240 (9 months pregnant) to 198 (6 weeks postpartum) to 214.5 from inattentiveness. I'm currently sitting at 202.5 - I started watching what I eat and really tracking workouts a month ago.  Down 12 pounds in one month.  I've got pictures but since I'm posting from work, they're going to have to wait!! I do have a gratuitous baby picture though: and a picture of me on the bike portion of my sprint Tri last month: I'll add more of the missing details over the next week or so.  I really need to get rolling on this blog again.  I know I draw inspiration from reading other people's journeys and hopefully someone can get the same from me! Until next time!

There was a report on the radio this morning as I was headed to work.  I listened with one ear while enjoying one of the few moments in the day when my time is MY time (yes, commuting is my only "me" time...).  The report was something along the lines of "the more you resists things, the easier it gets."  And my first thought was "DUH!" Then I subconsciously smacked myself in the forehead.  DUH.  It's like any other skill - physical or mental.  You have to practice to get it right.  I can't walk out on a basketball court and expect to sink 3 pointers.  Or any pointers really.  But if I practice really (REALLY) hard, I may be able to eventually play a decent game.  Globetrotter I'll never be but I bet I could be a team player on a rec team.  With practice.  Not that I WANT to play basketball (I'm 5'-6" on a good day and frankly not very good at ball sports).  But there are other "skills" that I need to work on.  Sel...

Ok - my tri training has started but my eating hasn't stopped.  How's that for a fine "where ya been, how ya doing" post.  I've been sporadically training - time is such a premium and frankly, I'm not prioritizing it the way I know I need to be.  Not only that but if I start REALLY training then I have to address the landslide of eating I've been doing.  It's bad people.  Really really bad.  As bad as it's ever been.  I'll leave it at that.  Today however, I start on Day 1 again.  No candy.  None.  In fact I still had candy left on my desk from Friday.  And I threw it away.  Me.  Really.  Threw it away.  And I'm committing to blogging on a regular basis.  Because I NEED to.  Because I HAVE to.  Because it works for me. So tomorrow I'll be back with pictures and measurements - and my plan. Meanwhile - more gratuitous baby pictures - this is from halloween!

And gearing up to start working out again.  As the new baby reaches his 6 month 'birthday' I'm ready to start.  Why has it taken me this long?  It's a long list.  Mostly excuses.  Some more valid than others (new mom, breastfeeding, new job) some not as valid (I would have to give up junk food again, I would have to make the time, I would have to get off my butt and find my motivation again). That's where the blog comes in handy again.  I'm going to use it again as my motivation.  Use the "audience" that's implied to get my butt moving again.  I don't have a scale anymore and haven't decided if I will replace it (it broke, I know I'm 200 pounds post baby but I haven't seen the number in a couple weeks now).  I'm jump starting all of it by signing up for races.  A couple sprint Triathalons and joining a relay for a half ironman - yes, really!  This entry is short - just a "hi, how are you?!" until I have time to writ...

another fly by posting... Yesterday was 40 weeks 0 days for me - technically known as the "due date"  someone forgot to inform the human growing inside me of that fact however.  He's late.  Oh well - I trust mother nature knows what she's doing. But since this blog was started as a weight loss blog - the "weight loss" news is that I'm back to 240 pounds.  How depressing is that?  I know it's for a good cause and I'm actually doing pretty ok with it - but I can't say I'm not anxious to see how the scale reacts after he's born and in the weeks following.  Will I be excited to watch the weight drop off?  Will I be disappointed that it's not dropping fast enough?  Will I be able to regain my momentum and get back on the proverbial wagon?  Only time will tell.  Stay tuned though - I will be back.  If this pregnancy has taught me one thing - it's that I don't want to go through life this heavy ever again.  My body is NOT...

27 weeks pregnant now - scale's been inching up, emotionally it's hard to deal with.  High emotions = more eating = higher numbers = high emotions.  See where this is going? Downward spiral - emotionally at least.  I've been SO busy with work, commuting, teenagers, and helping hubby keep shop open and running.  I'm overloaded.  And without the downtime, I'm eating worse than usual.  I don't have time to plan let alone cook.  But I'm determined and not giving up.  It's never too late, right?  At 27 weeks, I'm up 22 pounds - I won't lie, as much as I know that it's ok and encouraged to gain weight to grow a healthy baby, it's still really difficult to watch the scale go up.  I know that every pound I gain is another pound I have to lose.  I really don't have much to blog about these days - life it rushing past and there's not many "victories" - I feel silly blogging about kicks and baby hiccups and growing out of eve...

and still sugar free!  I'm struggling a little with random comments from people about how "big" I am - it's hard not to take it personally.  I try and focus on the fact that "big" = healthy baby, I'm all baby belly, I still have a waist (from the sides) and I should (but won't) measure my thighs and calves but I'm pretty sure they haven't changed much.  My weight gain has slowed down - I was up to 220, now down to 218 but still eating plenty!  I don't even want to count how many calories I was eating in a day - and probably 40% of it from sugar/junk.  I keep reminding myself that the less I put on now, the less I have to take off later (keeping it to a healthy weight gain, NOT a weight loss situation here). Meanwhile - baby boy is kicking and rolling and punching in there - constantly reminding me of his presence.  Hubby's felt him once now - but tried to feel him at night but it's hit or miss.  I suspect from this point on, it ...

Just a quick check in - this morning's breakfast got me thinking... Typically I've been eating toast every morning.  And I've been using cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top because, well, because frankly I'm out of control.  With my sugar consumption.  This morning was the final straw.  For reasons I don't completely understand. But I'm going with it... Pregnancy or not - I'm eating too much sugar. It's become my go-to food.  And it's out of control.  So this morning, I quit.  Cold Turkey.  Without any pre-meditation.  Peanut butter toast from this point forward.  And no snickers with lunch.  And no cadbury eggs at the grocery store.  And no ice cream, sprinkle donuts, random candy bars to curb hunger.  It's going to mean more planning.  I still have to eat every hour or so to keep the m/s from getting out of control.  But it's NOT sugar that I need.  It's sugar that I want...but not need.  So today ...

...hence the silence.  I'm SO grateful for this baby growing inside me - but I'm struggling with demons that have been in me for my entire life.  I realize what a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to have healthy baby.  I thank God every single day for the blessings he brings to my life.  We got news this week that this baby is a very healthy, strong, growing - BOY.  Which is awesome.  You could have knocked me over with a feather - I was sure this was a girl.  But, apparently, I was wrong! God continues to surprise me!! I'm still suffering morning sickness - and I'm combating it by taking meds every night and making sure I'm never hungry.  Which means eating all. the. time. What a horrible thing to complain about - right?  I mean - this should be a dream come true.  But I'm blowing it.  I'm making horrible choices.  Not all the time.  But enough for me to feel guilty.  For eati...

Not much to report here, I'm tired, I'm getting bigger, I'm eating all day long...I'm 19 weeks along now and right on track for weight gain according to my doctor.  So I'm trying to be nice to myself about my choices and the fact that it feels out of control (compared to when I was trying to lose weight). I'm staying off the scale mostly - I weigh myself about once a week or so but I'm trying really hard not to let the numbers get me upset.  BUT - what I'm struggling with - and it's new to me - is body image issues.  I KNOW I'm pregnant.  I KNOW my belly is getting bigger.  I KNOW there's a baby causing that - but I'm really struggling with my own perception of a larger tummy.  After losing 130 pounds 9 years ago, I had a reconstructive tummy tuck.  I was middle heavy so when I lost the weight, I had a huge "skin apron" that hung down to my thighs.  I had the tummy tuck and have had a (relatively) flat stomach since then.  I...

well...because that means that even while baby's growing, I'm keeping my weight steady!!  It's funny how staying the same feels like a win right now.  I'm making healthy choices most of the time but I'm not limiting much (I'm even not doing great on the candy front - when I feel icky and tired and *fill in the blank* I really just can't stop thinking about it - Addicted?  *sigh*) But I'm walking a little more - just little stuff, parking farther, getting off the bus earlier, walking around work - but it all counts.  It's funny how it's easy to give someone else credit for their small steps when it's hard to credit ourselves - anyone else feel that way?  I commented on a fellow blogger about she is walking home from work - it's 3 miles.  She was bummed about walking and I commented that it counts for activity points (she's doing WW).  And while I'm not doing WW, I don't give myself any credit for walking to/from the bus (3/4 ...

well, the jury's still out but I'd say I mostly survived.  I ate pretty healthy - no candy...until...*sigh* Cadbury Creme eggs.  I had to return a redbox movie to the grocery store (you know, the VERY store I've been avoiding!?!) and I went by myself.  I also had to pick up some more Unisom (I've got hyperemisis and Unisom keeps the morning sickness/throwing up under control enough to avoid ER visits).  As I practically ran from the back of the store (where the Unisom is) to the register (where the Cadbury Eggs are) I mentally argued with myself and lost.  I picked up ONE Cadbury eggs (which I count as a victory - I usually eat them in pairs AND they were on sale 2 for $1 - a trick my brain readily falls for).  I unwrapped it before I left the store, tossed the wrapper in the can out front, and gobbled that egg down before I pulled into my driveway less than 2 minutes later. I'm so ashamed.  But I'm not letting it derail me.  I did well the rest ...