Laura Gets Shit Done

I said earlier this week that I wouldn't get on the scale until Friday.  Well, I lied.  Ok - I meant to lie.  This morning, after having a couple good days under my belt, I slid that bad boy out from it's little cubby hole and hit the button with my toe...nothing.  Err...maybe I didn't hit it hard enough.  Tapped it again.  Oh no.  nothing.  what the heck?  I tried another button and the third.  Nothing.  And Nothing.  Dead.  My scale died.  What am I supposed to DO without a scale?!  I scoured the house for new batteries - nearly pulling appliances apart for a power source.  I found 2 rechargable batteries and put them in (can you hear the panic as I'm searching the house for batteries for crying out loud?!?!). Still nothing.  It's dead.  shouldn't there be a warning or something??  Low battery - think about getting some new ones - SOMETHING?!  So I didn't lie.  I haven't been on ...

Things are definately getting better again - my OA group isn't meeting tomorrow night so I'll have to be disciplined and sit down for awhile on my own and work through more of my action writing for step 4.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling more under control.  I had lots of negative feelings leading up to my binge on Sunday.  Monday was hard to keep it all from completely going downhill - it is always so much easier to just throw the towel in, admit that you can't reach your goal, and eat to my hearts delight.  I had been thinking a LOT about the foods I miss.  I was making shopping lists in my head - and even went to the grocery store.  I premptively took my husband and quietly shopped for healthy foods while mentally shopping for the foods I wanted.  I still need to plan out more meals for the week, I've got some good stuff here but not enough to make several meals and lunches like I usually do.  But I will.  Tonight I did my training plan...

Feeling back on track - and with a plan.  I'm not getting on the scale until Friday.  I need to wean myself from that thing.  It's not always going to show what I want it to show and only serves as reinforcement when I'm being hard on myself.  So no scale until Friday. Today was the maiden run on my new shoes - and a long run to boot!  4 miles.  59 minutes.  Slow as molasses but running!  Among the funny things going on in my brain while I'm putting one new shoe in front of another...a new nickname.  I'm now calling myself Forest Plump.  Come on, admit it, it's kind of funny.  I promise not to use it out loud. But from now on, I will be thinking of myself as Forest Plump.  And I went grocery shopping - and I've got meals for the rest of the week.  I feel MUCH more under control.  And much less negative about my slip.  Screw it - it was popcorn.  I will learn from it.  I will grow from it.  An...

You know when you see them - or right before you see them - you know what's about to happen but in that split second, there's nothing you can do but squeeze your eyes shut and say a prayer.  That was me last night.  After a full day of negative thoughts - a friend posted up pictures from my husband's party.  I felt beautiful, and my hair and make up looked great, but there were a few photos - you know the ones.  I'm sure to everyone else they look fine.  But I can ONLY see the neon signs pointing to giant fat arms, saggy breasts, huge hips, giant rear end, wrinkles, and on and on and on.  I couldn't even convince myself of being anything BUT an obese beast.  Negative Self Talk.  Sonofabitch.  All of the worry and thoughts and everything that leads up to a binge was there.  I have the tools to avoid it and didn't use them. I ended up binging.  *hangs head low* We went to the movies and on the way there, I struggled with all of ...

My shoes and new headband: My snack - pretty and filling: And finally, me with makeup! Now off for my walk! TTFN, LauraLynne

Pictures still forthcoming - I promise.  But as I'm sitting here, having just eaten lunch an hour ago - my kids got home and fixed a very fragrent lunch for themselves.  I find myself hungry again.  But I'm questioning it.  I ate a bowl of soup and a cobb salad for lunch.  About 2 hours ago.  And really I could find a snack and quench my hunger.  But the hungry is bringing back old feelings.  There's a giant bag of candy in the kitchen - I can picture myself eating ALL of it.  There's bread in the freezer - yup.  That's on the list of what I WANT to eat right now.  There's brownie mix, cookie making's and other very tempting things in my house right now.  I've been doing really well resisting temptation.  Too well.  I'm starting to see the beginning of the end.  The little nibbles that don't make it on my food list - I get over confident and try adding up numbers in my head.  But that devilish side of me...

Last night was the party I threw for my husband's 40th birthday - about 30 people or so came!!  It was at our favorite Mexican restaurant so I was prepared for the menu - and I only ate half of my sliver of cake.  I took a picture of myself with make up on, it's like a bigfoot sighting it's so rare.  I also spent the day running around - mani/pedi, new running shoes, hair and makeup done, pick up the cake (and I bought a giant bag of candy bars thinking that I was going to make treat bags...but they're sitting in the car and I need to just take it into work tomorrow and give it to someone...before I dive in and it's too late!!) I'm off to church this morning, I'll update in detail - and with pictures - later!! Have a great Sunday everyone! TTFN, LauraLynne

Tonight was day 4 of half marathon training.  2 miles.  Real miles.  And on my run I figured something out.  I was disappointed for several reasons - the main one being that I have to reset my goals.  I like challenges.  I like to challenge and push myself.  And now I'm going backwards - I wanted to IMPROVE my times.  So now I'm at day 0.  Which is fine.  I have a new goal to beat - I did 2 miles in 29 minutes.  So now I have a starting point (again...).  Tonight threw a lot of obstacles in my way - my husband was going to run with me so I waited at his shop for him. And it got later and later.  And the sun started going down.  And I had to eat something - I was starving.  And I wanted to go out to eat.  And I didn't want to run by myself when he told me his knee hurt.  I had EVERY reason not to run.  But when we got home, late and hungry, I put on my running skirt, running watch, running shoes, a...

Let's get the bad out of the way - my brain is just rehashing and rehashing on this one... I mapped my running last night on dailymile.com - and the loop I was doing that I thought was a mile was only .88   OK - it should be a big deal that missing .12, right?  But it brings my mile time down from 12 minutes to 14.  .12 miles is playing huge tricks on my brain.  I'm ALL about numbers.  Pounds, miles, sizes, math, numbers numbers numbers - my world revolves around numbers.  So this is really kicking my butt.  It shouldn't.  And if this were someone else's blog and someone else's sad news of the day - I would tell them to "buck up" and be proud they're out there running.  And maybe by tomorrow I'll take my own advice.  But today I'm bummed.  *deeep breath!!* Ok - and on to the good numbers!!  Scale.  My work is paying off.  209.2 this morning.  Total loss of over 30 pounds now!!  30.8 to be precise....

well - not away - but doesn't that sound devine!!  My biggest fantasy is to disappear to a hotel on the beach and turn off the phone, the computer, turn on the TV and sit in my jammies for days watching sunrises, sunsets, and HBO.  Anyways...tonight was day 3 of running.  And for those doing the math - yes, last night I did not run.  I was at OA until late and then hadn't had dinner by the time I got home at 10:30.  But tonight I ran.  3.09 miles.  in 37:27 minutes.  12 minute miles.  Outside in the rain.  Mile 3 was the easiest actually!!  I basically did a 5K - and in better time than the 5K's I did when I'd been training for longer.  I am so excited for the interval training.  By golly - it's working!! Tomorrow's weigh in day.  And Friday.  I'm not sure which one I'm looking more forward to! And this weekend I will have enough time to work through step 4.  Stay tuned for more deep insightful ...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... Mostly back to the land of the (relatively) sane. I have forgotten what a roller coaster PMS takes you on. I'm happy to report that the slide was only emotional and did not affect my food plan/recovery. I'm still on track and kind of excited to weigh in tomorrow. Is that sick?? *insert huge grin* Last night's OA meeting was interesting. I made a connection I hadn't made before. I was talking about the fact that it's very difficult, nearly impossible, to give myself credit for anything. One of the women asked me why I thought that was. My immediate answer went to my early relationship with my dad. He was abusive. Physically. Spanked us every day. Was very violent and an angry man. We could do NOTHING right. No matter how hard we tried, we still got beat on a daily basis. But we still tried. Schoolwork, housework, homework, we strived for perfection thinking that one day he would approve, we would be good enough, and he would stop the to...

warning - TMI ahead... I've had an IUD in for over 6 years - I just had it removed 2 weeks ago.  I have not had a period (or PMS) in over 6 years.  I forgot what it's like.  Today I'm just sad.  For no reason.  I want to curl up on the couch with a blanket and the remote.  I wanted to leave work early just for a hug from my husband.  I'm not in any physical pain - but I feel like someone smacked my emotions with a 2x4.  They're all over the place and today the wheel landed on 'sad'.  I've been reading through blogs - trying to find inspiration and leave positive comments in hopes of lifting my own spirit as well.  What I saw was a lot of women struggling lately.  Or maybe that's just what I focused on.  I'm in turmoil over some personal decisions but generally life is really good right now.  Even my teenagers are doing well.  With that in mind - today was day 2 of marathon training.  And I had to force myself...

2 miles - 26 minutes - 2run/1walk intervals. I did it!  I'm sweaty and hot - but good lord - I did it! AND the mile loop at my house has a dip in it - it's got a gnarly uphill at one section - so I get hill training too!! AND - my daughter not only found an outfit for her interview - she aced the interview and got hired on the spot!!  I can't support her much there though - it's Dairy Queen.  She'll have to settle for non-eating support!! Me, sweaty and hot - but running 13 minute miles! TTFN, LauraLynne

I'm signed up - half marathon on June 26th.  I'm nervous but really excited.  New purpose to light a fire under my butt.  Here's the interesting train of thought this morning.  I started this portion of my journey 11 weeks ago.  They've been LOOONG weeks.  It feels like I've been doing this forever and in that context my brain says "you've worked so hard for so long and what do you have to show for it?!  30 pounds, 30 measly pounds.  All the work - all the time - only 30 pounds" Ok - I didn't say my brain was logical.  That's obvioulsy nonsense.  I've worked hard, it's paying off, 30 pounds is a VERY good result.  On the flip side of the coin - I've got 15 weeks to train for a half marathon.  I've got my training plan laid out, I've got my running clothes and a support partner (yay for my hubby! He's a reluctant runner but going to grit his teeth and help me out - God bless him!).  I feel like I can totally do this!...

My daughter is 16.  She's a few pounds overweight - not many - but a few.  And she's shaped like her dad:  ALL of her weight is in her tummy.  She's job hunting.  And on top of getting  goal today, she scored a job interview!!  She's slightly tomboyish, likes to wear comfortable clothing and has NOTHING to wear for tomorrow night's interview.  So we went shopping.  *insert horror music here* 1 - I hate shopping 2 - she and I butt head over everything 3 - I really hate shopping 4 - I wanted to support her and go shopping with her BIG.  MISTAKE. My mom was not tactful in being able to tell me as a teen that I was fat and couldn't wear the same clothes as my friends.  I'm afraid I did the same thing to my daughter tonight.  There were tears.  And I feel like such a failure.  She's trying to wear pants that are too small - she gets them to fit by letting her tummy hang over the waistband.  So then ...

under the progress picture tab.  I can't hardly stnad to look at them - but that's part of my disease.  They're not as bad as my brain tells me they are.  And I'm still a work in progress.  Todays' agenda:  another soccer game, some work (I sell Partylite - helping out  friend with a fundraiser!!), then a nice long walk to try and measure out some distances in my neighborhood tonight for running...

Ok - here's what I got done today: meal planning (but haven't grocery shopped yet - tomorrow!) half marathon training plan here (note - I am NOT a doctor - check with a professional before starting a training plan of any kind!) running skirt and shirt - cute and on sale!! Still no tennis shoes - tomorrow. But - brag alert for my daughter - she got a goal today!!  :)

Ok.  It's done.  I'm signed up.  I'm buying running shoes today.  For a race on June 27.  15 week training plan.  Ask me what race... Not a 5K Not a 10K Because my son asked me to run with him.  13.1 miles.  Rock and Roll Seattle Half Marathon. Told you I'm crazy. And just to prove it the scale said 210.6 this morning.  29.4 pound gone.  Off to buy shoes, download a training plan, and get this less wobbly than December butt in gear.  Hubby promises progress pictures today too.  Pre-crazy photos ;) TTFN, LauraLynne

I'm reposting this and having fun - play along won't you!!  Thank you Me, Drazil, & Sheniqua 1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why? sunny - yup.  Boring, but warm and makes most people happy.  that sums it up.  (Calling my therapist now...) 2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why? Not sure - but it would have some funky all out there name...like Lunar - something that someone thought up and it sounded good and now they're slapping their forehead going "what the HELL was I thinking?!?" 3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight? I really want to finish a half ironman.  Really really.  I've done sprint triathalons and I've done a half marathon, and I know that if I put my mind to it, next summer, I COULD compete in a half ironman.  4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why? A cat.  Even though I don't particularly LIKE them....

Another week gone by - this one filled with introspection and self discovery.  I'm still processing all of it.  At one point this week, the scale read 215.  But I was more aware of the progress I was making in my behaviors and the discoveries of my patterns.  Today, I'm glad to report, it read 212.4.  Down at least a little bit.  Successes this week include resisting binging - with increased stress and raging hormones, it was a close call.  I did have a couple times that I ate when I wasn't hungry or just because I WANTED something.  I do NOT like giving in to those feelings.  And while they're not binging, they do NOT feel healthy.  I also took some progress pictures - they're in the bathroom at work.  Ya, I'm a dork.  And I took some pictures of some tasty lunches at work!  And with that - Happy Friday and here you go: Me at @ 212: And tasty snack under 200 calories (135 actually!): And lunch for 350 calori...

I'm driving to my OA meeting tonight, thinking about what's happened with me this week and thinking too about the questions for step 4 that I haven't done yet. And then it hit me. Like chocolate and peanut butter, 2 things you wouldn't normally put together but then you do and WHAM! Brilliance. Ok, so a couple days ago I blogged about missing the punishment. And I've been pondering it since then, trying to figure out where it came from. And tonight I was thinking about my childhood. And the connection dawned on me. My dad abused me as a child - not in a sexual way.  When he got home, he would inspect the house, us, our homework until he found something "punishable" and then we would all line up for spankings.  Except they weren't really spanking - he used to beat us.  There's no nice way to put it.  There were spoons, belts, paddles, and in a pinch, his open hand.  When we wore extra underware to absorb the blow, we got MORE spankings.  He has r...

...and I still haven't started step four.  Not for lack of trying.  I've sat down and stared at a blank piece of paper several times over the last week.  I'm just not sure WHAT to write.  I have memories and emotions all the way back to infancy.  My mom jokes that I could describe the delivery room.  Trying to sort through all of that - most of it negative and ugly - seems overwhelming and I haven't quite figured out how to break it into managable sections yet.  I will ask for help at the meeting tonight.  I'm still mulling over my last epiphany - and my husband added something even more interesting to it.  I do miss the punishment aspect of binging.  Somehow life seems incomplete without it.  I'm normally a very positive person as I've mentioned before - but without this punishment cycle, I have a hard time being so positive - for the first time ever, it feels insincere and untruthful.  I do not know how to treat myself well....

Carefree grocery shopping The feeling of biting into a reeses peanut butter cup Seconds Thirds Dessert Snacking Cupcakes Frosting Feeling overfilled (yes, I really DO miss that!) Binging. There. I said it. I'm really struggling right now. Every meal I think about all the things I miss. A trip to the grocery store is downright painful. I'm really down and hanging on by my fingernails. I have an even longer list of things I don't miss. Including th 27 pounds that I've shed. But while I've been feeling very hopeful and opptimistic lately, something slipped Sunday morning. Stress? Tired? Life? Just all of it. I haven't overeaten. But with as much as I'm thinking about it, it feels like I did but without the binging, just the frustration and guilt. I'm feeling broken. Abnormal. Odd. I feel like people can SEE what's wrong with me. I know it's just me judging me. I can't seem to cut myself any slack. I'm doing great. But all I see is what ...

I forgot to take a Before shot so I give you this:   I have seen these referred to on multiple blogs and I finally remembered to look for them at the grocery store (I don't typically buy ANY bread - it's our family weakness, we would go through 10 loaves a week if it was available!).  But My goodness.  And I do mean Goodness!  The usual wheat bread that I like has 110 calories per slice.  So an air sandwich is already 220 calories.  Fully 18% of my daily allowance.  And that's before I add any fixin's!  So I was praying that these were at least edible.  They're 100 calories for a "thin".  They look like someone sat on an english muffin.  As I assembled my shaved turkey sandwich at work, I debated wether or not to toast the 2 halves.  I decided against it, worried they would end up more like crackers.  I forgot to take a picture of my maiden sandwich - but I am a stickler for presentation and these passed my test.  ...

Rewards...they're hard for me.  My brain has always turned to food which turned to guilt so what the heck kind of reward is that?!  I have a hard time giving myself credit for the things I do.  At work I'm pretty full of myself - I am a decent employee and I know my job very well.  But my personal life - my personal achievements?  Unless someone else hands me my "prize", I'm not helping myself. When I first set out on this journey, I told myself (and my husband) that I was going to reward myself every 10 pounds with a massage.  And not just any massage - a scrub and massage with my favorite spa.  And 27 pounds later, I still haven't made my appointment.  Until this week.  I finally worked some comp time, took a 1/2 day off and went to my massage.  AHHHHHHH Now I need to figure out how to convince myself that I DO deserve it.  Because I do work hard - every day.  And this isn't easy.  And I am making progress.  And ...

  Credit belongs here

In the past several days, I have had several people notice my weight loss and shyly ask "have you lost weight?"   I know they're sincere because it's not the schmoosy "you look great - have you lost weight - now that I'm your new BFF, let me tell you about *fill in the blank*" And I'm thrilled.  I don't see it - and I really need to start taking progress pictures to be ABLE to see it.  But I also have a disconnect between what my brain sees and what the mirror shows.  So I avoid the mirror.  I know my wardrobe is expanding - I can wear jeans I haven't worn in a very long time - I know the jeans I have been able to wear are lose and baggy - I know T-shirts fit differently, I know I even had to buy some new underware.  But I still don't allow myself to celebrate these victories.  So when other people notice it, I allow my brain to celebrate just a tiny bit.  And I'm never quite sure how to respond.  Usually just a simple Thank You and ...

Last night I finally made it to the grocery store. I have oodles of healthy food and meals planned! On a whim, instead of the healthy pantry meals, I decided to cook tacos last night. My son gave his exuberant yahoo over the announcement and I continued with "but I saw a really cool idea-instaed of taco shells, I'm putting them in lettuce leaves!" My son's face fell and he told me "mom, that's NOT a taco, that's a meat salad!" I'm counting the 5 minutes of laughing as exercise. I did buy shells for the family but my tacos we on lettuce leaves: In other, not so funny news, my brain was playing tricks on me yesterday. After I wrote about how successful this week's been in term of how I think about food, I started to slip back into old mental habits. Like a switch had been flipped. I was prepared though and determined to figure out why. And I did, I think. My brain did acknowledge the success. But it interpreted it as being done. As if I'...

Some days I could write pages and pages of stuff and some days the words in my head look more like magnet poetry. Today is a magnet poetry type of day. Yesterday was my annual doctor's appointment. It didn't just go well, it went fantastic. He asked how I was losing the weight and I told him the truth. Counting calories. Eating healthy. And working through the 12 step program. He was impressed. My blood pressure is low, my cholesterol is less than 1:3 ratio (good:bad cholesterol - apparently now it's the ratios that matter more than the numbers, 1:4 is considered very good), and my weight is dropping. All that combined makes for a very good annual exam. In food issues, I seem to be doing pretty good. I'm hesitant to say very good because I still struggle a lot with certain times and situations. But I've been able to recognize that thoughts as they enter my head and deal with them rationally. My weak point lately is not planning out my meals. I haven't cooked at...

I'm feeling so much more hopefull these days.  I still have moments of struggle - times I want to snack, grocery stores, and letting myself get too hungry - but I've had more successful moments than struggles.  This weekend we had a brunch with friends and an impromptu restaurant meal.  Both dangerous times for me.  For the brunch, I planned out what I would eat before I even got there.  And I stuck to it.  Even with BACON available.  And homemade cinnamon rolls - that I made!! The restaurant was a chinese place - family style.  I ordered sensibly so that there would be one dish I was sure to be able to eat and we skipped all appetizers.  That was actually harder:  I was VERY hungry by the time we got there and I wanted something, anything, and I wanted it *NOW*.  But our food came out mercifully quickly.  And I portioned out what I thought was healthy - and I didn't snitch after that.  We even took leftovers home!  ...

I had 2 weights this morning. Compulsive me got in the scale twice. The first time I just couldn't believe I read it right and my brain wouldn't "allow" that kind of success. When I got on again, it read a pound more, which felt more realistic. I figure i must have been stepping on it wrong or...? Drum roll: 214.8 My brain plays numbers games with me. Basically it only acknowledges the last 2 digits, before and after the decimal. In the past I think it was a coping mechanism. I know it's how I got over 300 pounds. A visual form of denial. In my head I round the numbers up or down to the nearest 10 pounds. So 216 looks like 220 to me. But 215 looks like 210. I jump ahead or back. Mentally, that way of thinking makes it easier to gain weight and a challenge to lose it. I will have to make an effort to change that. For good. But for now, 25.2 pounds gone!! And tonight a fancy dinner out with Super Husband (having a friend as the head chef at a fine French restauran...

As I finished my last post, the bus driver on my commuter bus announced her bus wouldn't go over 45 mph and we would hve to detour and take another bus. As she dropped us off, everyone was grousing a little. Going to be late for work, might not get a seat, change in routine...grouse, grumble. And as we lined up and it started sprinkling (and the grumbling got louder) I looked up and saw this: And just smiled. TTFN, LauraLynne

Last night was another OA meeting. We discussed step 3. It gave me an immense feeling of hope. I feel like all my life I've been addressing symptoms. The weight and my habits are the symptoms. Now I will address the disease. And I feel hope. I've always referred to myself as an optimistic person. And I've been questioned on it. One particularly negative person (formerly) in my life used to argue with me that it wasn't possible for me to be so positive and upbeat. She was convinced that surely life was not as rosy as I saw it. She's still wrong and I pity her for not being able to find any joy in daily living. That's not to say I don't get sad. I do! I've spent many of my years clinically depressed. And for a period in my failed marriage, I was put on anti-depressants. They were just what I needed at the time. Even then, I didn’t give up, I found joy where I could and every ray of sunshine that came into my life was noticed and appreciated. I'v...

For some reason, Tuesdays seem to be my lowest weight day of the week. I'm not sure why. Eating at work is routine for me, everything is planned out and sitting in the fridge or in a can in my drawer. I'm a creature of habit. Oatmeal for breakfast, grapefruit for snack, a protein dense lunch, usually a fruit snack before I head home. 5 days a week. I'm good with that thought. I get variety at night and on weekends. And work is the most mine laden place for me to be. I'm in a cubicle by myself. There are several delis and convenience stores in walking distance, an it's typically been the scene of my binging. (is that spelled right??) In the last 2 months, I've done pretty well at avoiding the binging by sticking to my routine. I have fallen back into it a little for my afternoon snack in that instead of fruit, I will go buy a bag of veggie chips to munch on. But it's not a good idea for Me. It too closely resembles bad habits. And my brain just "g...

Starting NOW - I'm going to make monthly goals. Bite sized tasks that will hopefully help pass the time until I hit "Fit" For March: Get under 210 Run 1 mile continuously 100 sit ups at one time Start working the 12 steps Track all food daily sign up for 5k in April Sign up for one triathalon in summer sign up for half marathon fall/winter Fit into all my 14's Take regular progress pictures Don't give up hope