Skip to main content

do-over

Thursday and yesterday wasn't so good in the "pay attention to what you're eating" department. And I never just dip a toe into that pool - I full on swan dive face first mouth open into that deep dark pool. Thursday was an open house at the shop (my husband's business) and I prepared food for what was originally supposed to be 50 people. Turnout was closer to 300 - but nobody went hungy. I CAN feed a crowd!
The 'turning moment' that day was I bought chips. My Kryptonite. Ruffles. They should effing sponsor me. Giant Costco bag of Ruffles potato chips - stuff dreams are made of. I opened the bag when I unloaded it from the car. Not the veggie chips like I should of - and not a portion in a bowl like I could have. one here..one there...unintentional snacking. Dammit. I ended the day with a piece of costco cake. The journey from chips to cake is still a blur.

And now I'm beating myself up. I need to stop this. Why is it that feeding myself feels like a treat but eating feels like a punishment - how can it be both?? The choosing food and chewing has a positive connotation for me - I DESERVE this. It's "good". But swallowing and acknowlegment of having consumed - bad. BAD. I need to figure out why the disconnect. As I'm saying this, my brain think "Oh - idea! Eat, Chew - spit it out - right? Easy solution!" But wow, that seems so...wrong. So...abnormal. So...borderline bat shit crazy.

So Friday started good - I was at work, it's easy to stay on track at work - I have a limited pantry there (stuff I bring for myself) and with the occasional mini hershey's bar (which gets logged!), I do ok. Then home - work at the shop with Hubby - and he suggests dinner. My brain immediately goes to "well, I effed up yesterday, so why not - bring it ON!"

So I ate tortilla chips, salsa, and a huge entree of delicious butter drenched shrimp and mushrooms. And - this is where I feel the guilt - I didn't log any of it. My last 2 days of food entries are empty.

But I braved the scale this morning - 225.0
Ok. I'm not 300 again - I'm not even 239 like how I rang in the New Year...and I'm resolved to not beat myself up.
I'm letting this go. Today is a new day and today I will treat my body the way it deserves.

TTFN
LauraLynne

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

day 1 no sugar...again.... and finding an OA meeting

Today I read a blog that really finally pushed me over the edge.  In a good way.  I NEED OA.  I went to the meetings with my church group, got started, really had some good break throughs, but I can't do this on my own.  I need to quit dinking around and find a meeting to go to.  It won't be a quick fix, but I'm really struggling with the food addiction part on my own.  And recently I've been lecturing a friend about their husband's addiction.  His addiction is gambling - and he's stooped to stealing from family it's that bad.  And he goes to meetings but - as she tells me - they don't HAVE 12 steps there, it's "too complicated with all the religion stuff."  So I've been preaching the 12 step program to her...hypocritical of me since I haven't followed through on my own meetings.  Today I find a meeting and by this time next week, I will attend a meeting. I am powerless over sugar.  Last night after I blogged about day whatever ...

PHEW - She's a Brick....hoooouse....no, wait.

Ok.  So tonight I planned on running.  Came home, sat down for  little while.  Forced myself to get up and put on my running clothes.  Went out the front door...was NOT feeling it.  Came back inside disppointed.  Sat down.  Got up, changed shoes, pulled out the spinner (stationary bike) and put a scary movie on.  Biked for 1 hour 3 minutes.  about 1 hour 2 min. in I decided I was going to put in a mile run afterwards - in triathalon training it's called a "brick".  It's meant to simulate the transition from one event to another.  From swim to bike or from bike to run.  Doing a brick teaches you just how it feels - in this case my legs were JELLO from the biking.  But I ran.  One mile.  in 12 min. 42 seconds - not too shabby!!  But better than that - I broke my streak of "nothing".  And I had a good dinner, one piece of flatbread pizza and a large tomato salad (no pictures, sorry).  About 200...

Yes, I'd like some cheese with my whine!!

I'm so frustrated.  No matter what I do, the nagging binging voice will not go away.  I feel like I struggle with it more than 'normal'.  This IS addiction.  I recognize that.  And sometimes I win the battle, I silence the voice.  But lately, and especially after this weekend, the voice is loud and obnoxious.  And convincing.  Today it was a box of Fiddle Faddle.  I mean come on.  Not even chocolate.  Fiddle Faddle.  I don't really even LIKE Fiddle Faddle, not really.  But that was part of the binge.  At least I wasn't binging on something I love.  That makes it ok, right?  Jeez.  I see progress on the scale - at least mostly.  And I'm wearing smaller sizes.  And I friggin' ran SEVEN MILES tonight.  Could I have done that in December?  Not even with a gun to my head.  Then why can't I feel proud.  Feel progress.  Feel the effort?? I'm frustrated.  All of this fe...