So, tonight, after a put a batch of Taco soup in the crock pot, I headed out for my training run. 4 miles. I say that self depreciatingly - you just can't READ that online. ONLY 4 miles. MERELY 4 miles. Not running the whole way, just intervals. Anything to take the credit or joy out of it.
The reality is I should be proud. SHOULD be. But my stupid head tells me "It's only 4 miles. and you're not RUNNING all of it - don't be fooled, you're still fat, you can't run, so don't you dare be proud, even for a moment"
STUPID STUPID STUPID.
I should be proud. I should at least not be so damn hard on myself. As I was typing the above words out loud, the insulting ones, a thought popped into my head that made my eyes water a little. That voice. It was my dad's.
Never good enough.
Never smart enough.
Never responsible enough.
Never clean enough.
Just Never Enough. That should have been my name as a child.
So how do I make that voice go away? I could hire a hit man and ... ok. Maybe not.
Recognizing where it comes from is a start. Replacing it with something else is the next step, I think.
(It's funny - I had an entirely different blog in mind tonight - so forgive my meandering...)
It's that negative voice that tells me "why bother" and to just give in when I encounter minor stumbling blocks. Ignoring it doesn't work. But it will be interesting to spend more time identifying the times it comes up - and trying different things to drown it out.
My dad spends his life now trying to make up for a childhood of abuse. He brags on me, compliments me, tries to paint a Normal Rockwell life out of the fragments. It's made our reltionship as adults strained at best. If he weren't my father - and my kids weren't part of the equation, I wouldn't ever speak to him - or think of him - again.
Sad, but true. He's re-written my childhood in his mind and has no concept of the depth of the damage he caused.
But I'm an adult and I need to figure out on my own how to fix this. He can't. I can.
So - anyway - tonight on my run (yes, I am slightly ADD - follow the bouncing topics!) I heard a car coming up behind me so I moved more to the side. The car stopped and rolled down his window and before I could get my ear buds out, the driver started talking to me. Once I got the buds out, I asked him to repeat what he said. In broken English, with a heavy russian accent, he says to me something along the lines of "where are you going?" At least I think that's what he said. I told him I'm running around the neighborhood loop. He joked about offering me a ride (ok - or he said something about kidnapping me - there was definately a language barrier..) and I laughed and told him I needed to keep running. he then said something about having seen me running around the neighborhood and gave me two enthusiastic thumbs up and a comment about me "looking good" Or maybe "she puts the lotion on the skin". I'm not sure. hha. I smiled, said thank you, and then put my Ipod back on and set off on my run again. With a smile.
So maybe - for a little while anyway - the new voice in my head with have a thick Russian Accent. And keep telling me I'm doing good and keep it up.
Until I find my own voice to cheer me on, The russian judge can keep giving me 2 thumbs up.
And the negative voice, the one that sounds like my dad, can eff off. (if only it were that easy!!)
PS. I made taco soup tonight and froze 6 bags of it - I'm on my way to organized!!
TTFN,
LauraLynne
The reality is I should be proud. SHOULD be. But my stupid head tells me "It's only 4 miles. and you're not RUNNING all of it - don't be fooled, you're still fat, you can't run, so don't you dare be proud, even for a moment"
STUPID STUPID STUPID.
I should be proud. I should at least not be so damn hard on myself. As I was typing the above words out loud, the insulting ones, a thought popped into my head that made my eyes water a little. That voice. It was my dad's.
Never good enough.
Never smart enough.
Never responsible enough.
Never clean enough.
Just Never Enough. That should have been my name as a child.
So how do I make that voice go away? I could hire a hit man and ... ok. Maybe not.
Recognizing where it comes from is a start. Replacing it with something else is the next step, I think.
(It's funny - I had an entirely different blog in mind tonight - so forgive my meandering...)
It's that negative voice that tells me "why bother" and to just give in when I encounter minor stumbling blocks. Ignoring it doesn't work. But it will be interesting to spend more time identifying the times it comes up - and trying different things to drown it out.
My dad spends his life now trying to make up for a childhood of abuse. He brags on me, compliments me, tries to paint a Normal Rockwell life out of the fragments. It's made our reltionship as adults strained at best. If he weren't my father - and my kids weren't part of the equation, I wouldn't ever speak to him - or think of him - again.
Sad, but true. He's re-written my childhood in his mind and has no concept of the depth of the damage he caused.
But I'm an adult and I need to figure out on my own how to fix this. He can't. I can.
So - anyway - tonight on my run (yes, I am slightly ADD - follow the bouncing topics!) I heard a car coming up behind me so I moved more to the side. The car stopped and rolled down his window and before I could get my ear buds out, the driver started talking to me. Once I got the buds out, I asked him to repeat what he said. In broken English, with a heavy russian accent, he says to me something along the lines of "where are you going?" At least I think that's what he said. I told him I'm running around the neighborhood loop. He joked about offering me a ride (ok - or he said something about kidnapping me - there was definately a language barrier..) and I laughed and told him I needed to keep running. he then said something about having seen me running around the neighborhood and gave me two enthusiastic thumbs up and a comment about me "looking good" Or maybe "she puts the lotion on the skin". I'm not sure. hha. I smiled, said thank you, and then put my Ipod back on and set off on my run again. With a smile.
So maybe - for a little while anyway - the new voice in my head with have a thick Russian Accent. And keep telling me I'm doing good and keep it up.
Until I find my own voice to cheer me on, The russian judge can keep giving me 2 thumbs up.
And the negative voice, the one that sounds like my dad, can eff off. (if only it were that easy!!)
PS. I made taco soup tonight and froze 6 bags of it - I'm on my way to organized!!
TTFN,
LauraLynne
Comments
Good job! If it helps, pretend that I said it with a Russian accent. :)